I was scrolling through tumblr earlier and I read a quote from a book in which the mother told her daughter never to say that someone else is your world. It reminded me of two summers ago. During this whole fiasco between and idiot and a dear friend of mine that was never legitimately repaired, you started talking to me about the things that she said about me that angered you. That I didn’t need you guys anymore and we both know that was and is far from true. I meant it when I said that whether or not I had him, I needed you guys. But at the same time, you said you understood. “He is everything to you”, you wrote. Despite me shrugging it off in my response, you saying that bugged me. Because I would have dropped him like a hat if it meant being able to see you guys every Wednesday again. I didn’t choose him when you guys stopped showing up. I just decided to stop trying to reach out to people who wouldn’t come to the place they knew I’d be every Wednesday night. He was never everything to me.
I think a year ago, I wrote on this blog lyrics to the song “Promises, Promises” by Incubus and begged for someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay. That was for you. To this day, I still have the post-it note that you wrote for me two years ago, promising me that everything would be okay. You promised me. And I look back at what we were and what we are and how selfish it is of me to be jealous that someone else sees you more than I do and it doesn’t look like we’re okay. I wonder to myself sometimes if that’s my fault for letting go of the thing that happened two years ago between two very important people to me. But I’m a control freak who believes she can and needs to fix everything. And it sucks when I come to the point where I feel like there’s no point to trying to fix things. I’ve never been so distraught about gaps in friendship before (I usually walk away unscathed) so this is a pretty new experience for me.
That’s why I did the Tea Time Reboot in the beginning of 2012. That’s why I still invite you guys to events and Wednesdays that are important to me. And that’s why I’m going to ask you in this letter to come if we do something for the second year anniversary of the best thing that has ever happened to my life (no we didn’t do anything for the first).
Well. Hahaha. 2013, like I said forever ago, stinks. Like. Just. Outright sucks.
One after another after another, the universe has been throwing crap at me and I am trying soooo hard to get out of it. It’s stressful. My situation — though blissful and a blessing — some days really pisses me off. Because things have been piling up and I have to deal with something old or something new every other day.
But as much as I’d love a break from it all, what stops me is knowing that I can’t fail myself. I don’t like putting things on hold or thinking to myself “I’ll figure it out later”. It’s there NOW so I choose to deal with it NOW. However, for others…
I asked every day for God to grant me some patience and oh how he has bestowed upon me a plethora of things to be patient about. So I wait. And I rely on His strength to push me through the remainder of these things and this year.
What do I appreciate about my situation? Everything — that it exists. Challenges and bumps are merely just opportunities you are given to prove how amazing you are and He is.
A couple of things happened that stopped me from posting this — laptop issues. Then I finally finished and I just left it here to sit and simmer, not sure what exactly what I was waiting for. Anyway:
So I’m one of those people who believe that every single person who walks into your life plays a role in it, even though it’s not always apparent. I’ve written about it many a time before (and I’m rehashing a bit of an old blog here) but no matter what happens and how shitty the situation or person, there is a lesson in each and every one.
From my father, who taught me that people will let you down and that anger is the worst form of poison. To that asshole exboyfriend who taught me that love is blind and that some people can really fuck you up inside and out. To that one in-law who taught me that you can’t always trust everyone you meet. To my niece who taught me that something amazing can come from from something shitty. To my bro who taught me that fighting for your passions is much better than letting it die. To my bud who taught me that sometimes, you just gotta relax and smell those fucking roses.
A couple of years ago, I fell amazingly in love with someone who ended up reminding me all these things and more. He taught me how to be patient. How to love and be loved. And that nothing is ever what it seems nor will anything ever turn out the way you think it will (the “joys of spontaneity” as I call it).
“…he teaches me that people at some point in your life will let you down and disappoint you. That you will get lonely and that someone is going to break your heart and that love can blind you. That you have to be careful about everything you do. That not everything is rainbows and butterflies. But he teaches me that something good can always come out of something shitty, that there is always a rainbow after every hurricane. That it’s okay to follow your gut and be impulsive. That the best things really do come from spontaneity. That it’s all right to go a little crazy sometimes. That sometimes you gotta just relax and smell the roses…” (Nov. 2011)
“I will always know you as the one who helped me learn how to love myself. Who made it easy for me to love others. Who taught me that people are genuinely beautiful, myself included. You encouraged my fascination of the world. Fascination for knowledge. For music. For film. For art. You never expected any less of me when it came to my dreams — always telling me to follow them. And if for any reason I couldn’t succeed in something, you always made sure that I didn’t beat myself up over it; it helped me to strive for better results for a next time.” (Dec. 2011)
Two months ago, I told him that a part of me — a part of who I am — exists because of him and it holds so much more truth than he could ever believe. If only he could just really see that.
“Each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one.” — The Five People You Meet in Heaven
And in a sense, that means that all these lessons and all these people — whether they’re staying for just now or for ever — you carry with you for the rest of your life. And I know I will. Forever and always.
I know I usually do a random reblog every other week or whatever. I’ve been majorly busy still. Tumblr just ain’t keeping up with me. Plus Tumblr is kind of my surface blog, seeing as one too many people know my real name. ;)
ANYWAY, I still haven’t finished my personal challenge so excuse me for a bit while I reread the latest one and put it up. I don’t know if I’ll continue the challenge because I really don’t have the time at all anymore. I’m just a dreamer carrying on her dreams and I barely have time for friends who aren’t in my immediate presence anymore. -___-“
For the last few days I have been sitting around, trying to figure out the answer to this challenge because I don’t even know.
I can’t exactly pinpoint a singular event that changed my life because I’ve found that everything kind of shifts for me every single time something happens. I can’t say anything that has happened is any more or less significant than the other because they’ve all continued to shape me as I’ve gone along — and little things will continue to shape me as I go. From reading too much too young to being put in yearbook in the 6th grade to my first boyfriend to making the decision to transfer back to my original high school after I got redistricted, it’s all done something to put me exactly where I am today.
I’m a constant work in progress and my perceptions of things are constantly growing and changing.
So I don’t really know how to answer this. This is kind of round about, sure, but I don’t know what else to say.
I know I’ve mentioned it before (and I was just writing about it on my other blog) but I have this crazy “ultimate wish” that every single person on the planet be completely and totally happy — even if just for a split second. And I’ve had that wish for years. If you were to ask me if I wanted anything, it would be that. And though I may be completely nutso, I’m totally aware that my wish has a success rate of almost 0%. But honestly, wouldn’t it be so cool? That for a split second everyone just accepted life as it is and just smiled and was happy because they were happy to be alive? I think it would.
Well, I have whole-heartedly accepted the fact that it’s never going to happen as sucky as it is to say. The good news is that I’ve found my way around that. As much as of an asshole I can be (seriously, tough love is the only way I know how to love), my #1 goal is to have everyone who I know and love to feel truly happy.
It is why I do what I do. It is why I tend to compromise myself for other people’s happiness. It is why I tell other people not to worry about me — not because I don’t find myself worth worrying about but because how I feel depends on how others feel. I don’t think I could live with myself knowing that a person who I care deeply for was feeling horrible about themselves while they were in my grasp. I cannot.
It’s a constant work in progress but I swear, I will do everything I can to make sure I succeed. I just want them all to know happiness and accept the fact that they do deserve happiness. ”Without vices. No contentment. No satisfaction. Just amazed at the life they lead, the cards they are dealt and the fact that they can still breathe. At all the little wonders that surround them and the realization that they, themselves, are little wonders as well.”
Remember: you smile, I smile.
Trust & Honesty are my two biggest things. For me, I feel like if you have those two then everything else falls into place. When you feel like you can trust someone, you can be honest, then openness, then comfortability and fun times and all those things just kind of follow.
When you’re friends with me, I only ask two things: 1. That you can trust me. That you will trust me when I say I won’t hurt you without a reason or let you fall without following right behind you. and 2. That you are honest with me. Don’t bullshit me and I promise you I won’t bullshit you.
Here’s the thing though, I won’t be afraid to hurt your feelings. It comes with having honesty. Maybe I’ll be a bitch about it but that’s what people come to me for. People like the fact that I won’t fucking baby you or try to tell you don’t worry you’ll get over it or there are plenty of fish in the sea. I am the kind of friend who is like “Oh, you’re hurting? WELL FUCK, HURT MORE. DEAL WITH THIS SHIT.” You know why? Because life fucking hurts. And I believe the only way to get over that is to let it bite you in the ass over and over and over and over again. I’m not gonna tell you to pretend like it doesn’t bother you. I’m not gonna tell you that it’s okay to just put it in the back of your mind and hope it does go away. No. I’m the friend who will pry and pry and pry until you eventually break down and cry and/or fly-kick me in the face. I’m tough love. That’s the only love I know.
But, here’s the thing about having trust. That you trust me when I say that I know what I’m doing because I’m the nut-job who really believes that she does. Because when I allow for you to hurt and get mad and feel everything that I allow for you to do, I am never going to walk away from you. Trusting me means you know I will never abandon you when life hurts the most. That once I know you’re done with letting life bite you in the ass, I’ll be there with the calamine lotion to soothe your skin. I will still stand by you and help you pick up the pieces. Because I love. It’s one of the only things I know.
… detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That’s how you are able to leave it.
Take any emotion – love for a woman, or grief for a loved one…. if you hold back on the emotions – if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them – you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.
But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. … I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”
Same for loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely – but eventually be able to say, ‘All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I’m not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I’m going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world, and I’m going to experience them as well.” —Tuesdays With Morrie (Mitch Albom)
All right, all right, ALL RIGHT. LMFAO. OMG. Okay, now. We ALL KNOW what YOU are thinking reading this. Those who know me PERSONALLY, anyway. I’m sitting here, laughing at exactly what my friends are thinking and I’m planning to post this when most of them appear online on Facebook. [Actually failed at this because I forgot about this post]
If you know me well, then you MUST know the reigning nickname that I have had since I was fourteen. Fourteen. FOURTEEN. And it would be “nymphomaniac”. Reason being that I have this long, unusual history regarding sex. And for SOME REASON people just kind of go with it.
I’ve been introduced as a person’s nymphomaniac friend. I know and am down for way too much. People are CONSTANTLY making sex jokes about me. One friend said to me that it’s basically possible for me to have sex in any circumstance, including one where I am thousands of miles away from home. If I weren’t straight edge, I would be drunk five minutes into a game of ‘never have I ever’. So maybe I kind of make it hard for people not to think of me like that.
Truth be told, I am not nor have I ever been as into sex as I or any other person make it seem. Despite how nuts I can get when I get it and how nuts I can get about it, I have crazy high morals about it. And I’m kind of a bitch about it. I don’t find it nearly as important as some people think it is to me; it’s just not completely necessary to have. However, I do find it as FUN and enjoy it as much people believe I do. ;)
I think I kind of answered this in day two. I try to live in the present, for the future. It’s kind of a remembering what you did and how far you’ve come since. Remembering where you are now and what you have to take care of now. And remembering that what you do now will affect what happens then and whatever exactly it is that you want to happen then.
Meanwhile, trying not to sink yourself back into the past and all your regrets and all your mistakes and all the things you wish you could change or take back. Meanwhile, not trying to freak the fuck out over the fact that the future is the future and the fact that we haven’t gotten there yet and the fact that any fucking thing could happen — trust me, I know.
But like I said, I’m a dreamer. I do everything I can now to make sure my future is as bright as it can be for myself and for others. If only I could remember that when I get suuuuuuper lazy. ;)
Note: I hope this makes sense in the morning because I am soooo tired rightnao.
There are a variety of things people think of me. There is an amazing range, too: Asshole. Stubborn. Flippant. Temperamental. Angry. Bitch. Careless. Inconsiderate. Unfeeling. Pushy. Emotional wreck. Unstable. Passionate. Creative. Beautiful. Amazing. Intelligent. Talented. Fearless. Strong.
Hah. I don’t disagree with any of it. I’m not afraid of who I am nor admitting who I am. I can become this incredibly stubborn unfeeling bitch who could give less of a shit about you than she does about the asshole exboyfriend from that one time. But I’ve come to the point where I can no longer glaze over or downplay my assets. At this point, I’ve realized that I might be a little more important than I ever thought. At this point, I’ve realized just how fearless I can be and from that fearlessness the strength shows.
I call it like I see it and I’m almost 99.9% sure that this is real. But remember, my pedestal is no higher than yours.
I don’t think I have anything I would like to re-experience in its entirety. Sure, there are a lot of experience I would love to go back and do better but I don’t think I’d go back and re-experience anything.
Generally speaking, I feel that the past needs to stay where it is. If you’re dwelling too much on something that already happened, you’re doing something wrong. What has happened is done and trust me, trying to go back there usually isn’t as worth it as you might think it is. Living in the past doesn’t give you much of a future.
It’s really hard living for the present, though. So many worries of things that happened and things that haven’t happened yet can really cloud your thinking and mess you up. But:
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matt. 6:34, NIV)
Seeing as I never have the time to think for myself anymore, this will be how I’m going to do it. I do nothing but write most days — for work, for school, for self. But nothing Tumblr ever sees. I’m tired. So tired. I can’t wait until Spring Break. Hopefully, I can actually relax then. Hopefully.
Day 01 - How important are dreams to you?
You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one…
I’m a dreamer. My dreams are the very basis of my being. Asleep or awake, my dreams are my everything. This works in two ways:
1. I dream a lot while I sleep. I don’t know why that is but I do. Some nights, I only dream through it. I get thoroughly vivid dreams and I try to keep a form of notation near me while I sleep so I can write them down. My dreams range from weird to weirder to happy to heartbreaking. Sometimes I wake up laughing and sometimes I wake up crying. Some of them mean nothing and some of them mean everything. And sometimes, I can tell you what’s going to happen because of it.
2. I dream a lot while I’m awake. I like to stare off into space and think. I like to imagine the possibilities of everything and anything. My awake dreams are the biggest thing that I hold on to. They are the very reason I push forward every day. They are the reason I depart from my asleep dreams. And maybe to some they seem unreachable or impossible beyond measure, but I’m one of those people who never go down without a fight. I push as far as I can and bend myself in places I don’t have to just to get to the places that I want. Frankly, I don’t see what’s wrong with that. Without my big dreams, I wouldn’t be the person that I am. And I don’t think I would like me very much if I weren’t the person who I am.
I hope some day you will join us…
I was just another girl in love.
Now, that story is over and things are changing faster than they did two years ago.
No. The story is just beginning.
Where the rain hits hard and the sun hits harder. Where the wind blows and the sound of the ocean isn’t so far away. Where we became who we were and believed what we did. The place where it actually began. A place that I’d never tell and a place that you never did.
But I want you to come with me.
So yeah, when he buys my favorite Gatorade and retracts his offer to let me play DDR because I’m about to pass out from dehydration or buys a particular pack of gum specifically because it has pineapple flavor and pineapples are my favorite fruit, I’m going to grin like a complete dumbass.
And if it weren’t for the fact that he actually bought the fucking gum for that reason or the fact that evertime he took a piece out he’d hand one to me, I wouldn’t have even chewed gum. I try not to chew gum. It’s a frustrating process for me that I don’t feel like explaining.
Anyway no matter what he’s doing to tell me that he does, I always appreciate it. Because let’s face it, he wouldn’t do a majority of the things he does if he didn’t; which I really need to remind myself every day.
I helped my love pack things up for work tomorrow. I poked around at his stuff, amazed and questioning some of the stuff that I saw. I’m sure curiosity will kill me one day. He starts active duty status tomorrow. We anticipate deployment for him at the end of this month.
He is my soldier. And I love him to pieces. He has turned my life into everything that I didn’t expect it to be. And, specifically because it is him, I’m perfectly fine with that.
“It’s basically like, I made a promise to myself and God said ‘uh…I don’t think so’”.
Still, more than two years later, I think “it’s fucking weird”.